just loads of thinking i`ve done

recently, i seem to be in a daze, always thinking about so many stuffs that is always on my mind. after much thoughts put in, i realised i have many many many many stuffs i really want to achieve. i dont want to waste my youth just allowing time to pass by me day by day, hours by hours, minutes by minutes, seconds by seconds...

well, as all students were worrying about, results are out now. wasnt fantastic, neither did i fail like there`s no isnt any hope left. mere border line. yes, there was disappointment, actually most of the time i was disappointed with myself. felt i was so foolish, why hadnt i just put in a little more effort, a little more concentration, a little more practice questions, a little more time on every topic. but what`s there to feel regretful now. what`s done is done. there`s no point moaning/whinning about what i could have done. just hope this would be the last time i`ll see Cs and below in my report book. but then again, so what if i say so, i have no faiith in myself to ever reach my goal. it`ll take like a miracle to get 6o and above for all the subjects. demoralised! my english. damn bloody english. i cant make it for chinese, i fully acknowledge the fact, but english. it was just abysmal adding the scores together. i was miserable enough to score a passing mark for chinese ; as a chinese, and now i cant even comprehend english. totally dismayed by my results. hopefully, i`ll pass overall.

then there`s dance. i have the sudden feeling of striving to dance to my best capability. dont feel like just letting those money my mama has invested on to go to waste. i`ve already made her feel horrible by quitting ballet. so i only want to at least made her feel proud of me, for once. SYF is next year, i want that gold of honours badly. not for myself, not for that china trip, not for showing-off, but for dance society, for css and to prove to my parents that it`s not a mistake to put me in css. i want to get GOLD of honours real bad, real real real bad! and no one will stopp me from achieving what i`ve set my goals on. *prays hard* another reason for the sudden urge to concentrate dancing, perhaps because it`s the only thing i can forget about what sorrow was, what tears was, what emotional pain was. thou pysically its tiring, but i feel so relaxed, so myself when there`s dance around me. the ride just takes me away from reality. say i`m running/avoiding/escaping from the world that lies right in front of me. you taught me too. i could no longer feel myself. i could no longer be what i was. anyway, i`ve always wanted to dance away from everything, not like you dont know. i never want to stopp dancing, even if my bones become brittle, my skin becomes droopy, my muscles could no longer flex...


i`ve been wondering lately, why, why... guess its better to not mention about it.

you`ll get back the way you treat me. cause i feel you do not deserve anything more than how you treat me. i`ll return you your cold treatment, or even double the cold treatment. i promised i will not slog my arse just to get your attention or a moment of exchange of words. i`m a girl and i will not initiate. YES. i will not initiate from now onwards. is either you want it, or no one wants it. i wont feel frustrated by whatever you do. cause i will not let it ever bother me. and i will not feel a tinch of remorsefulness nor be soft-hearted and give in as this heart of mine is gradually turning into a rock. you shall have a taste of your own behaviour. you will be the one feeling regretful, feeling the agonizing pain... tears shall no longer trickle down my cheek, but yours. i will not have to sleep on soaked pillow, but you will have to. this is what you get back, for bequeathing such grief on me. i`m a cold-blooded creature.

will the violins be playing? 22:47 ;